This tea is amazing, fun fact I never take sugar with my tea, eek too sweet but my dad takes his tea with sugar. Lately I’ve been withdrawn from the people who mean the most to me, actually I don’t even know why I’m acting like there are more than one. I haven’t been making effort with rebecca. This girl has been in my life since the first grade, we have been the closest of friends for almost thirteen years. She’s violently protective of me, and I would do anything for her. So I don’t understand what it is that makes me want to spend all my free time alone. I’m still struggling to get into healthy eating habits, I’m doing it solely for my physical well-being, not appearance. I know my self-esteem will always be in a constant rise/fall state, I accept that. Man, I’m still feeling guilty for the orange juice I bought at work today to be honest with you. I have the 7:30am - 4pm shift at work tomorrow, so I made myself some lunch for my break, a simple salad with crispy lettuce, cucumber, grape tomatoes, avocado, carrot, a bit of cheese some italian dressing on the side yuhumm, and I sliced up an apple. My friends are getting real jobs and it’s making me realize that I don’t have it as good as I felt I did. Them making around 800 a week really brings me to reality with my measly 250 - 400 a week. Because I’m on part-time my pay is down to what it was when I was seventeen, otherwise I’d be a rich bitch, ok a semi-rich bitch. At the moment I’m just a fucking bitch. I miss writing posts about my day and general feelings, rather than total negativity and bullshit that never fully vents how I feel anyway and makes me look like an asshole. This family councellor suggested last week that my dad go on anti-depressants, mum and I were like eeeeeeeeeyeroll yes that would be a glorious idea, because anti-depressants have helped like no one ever. Honey you best suggest he do some job hunting and take up a fucking hobby, he doesn’t need drugs he needs a life. I went out with my mum last week, told her how I’d been feeling and how bad my anxiety had been getting, and she warned me not to get on those pills, and I wouldn’t anyhow, I don’t need them. I know exactly what I need, what I need is to keep going about my day, going to work, keep putting myself in social situations and building my confidence and just getting through/over it. My mum has witnessed how bad it’s been getting, and I’m kind of relieved that I’m not the only one who can see it’s a potential problem, I don’t feel as crazy now. We go to a coffee shop and I have a panic attack before I can get to the counter, actually this happens everywhere. I’m always in the frame of mind where everyone is against me, I think all clothing designers have written ‘size 6’ on size 10 clothing just to fuck with me, to make me believe I’m thin when I’m not. Despite knowing that’s a crazed concept, I’m terrified it’s true. My kitten, no cat is wrestling a rainbow feather duster, I need to book him in for an appointment to get his balls chopped or whatever they do. Poor boy, I hate even thinking about taking his rights away like that. The one birth right is surely to have the option to reproduce. I also need to make time for my woman, take her out to see the new Depp movie or s/t.
It was clear to me today, how miserable this job makes us all, and it really seems as though the people who are the most inspired, and most unique are the saddest here. Their personalities are simply too strong for this place. I wish I could do something, tell them not to let this place eat their motivation and hopes, but I can’t. I have to remind myself every day how young I am, how blessed and just to enjoy good health and easy living. I hate having to consider people who are in worse situations than me, to pick myself up. My mum says it’s just being grateful, but it makes me feel evil. I feel as though I should be able to pick myself up without thinking of others less fortunate, and using them as some kind of crutch. But I can’t and sometimes even those thoughts don’t cure a sadness. Sometimes the cool wind, the orange-purple sky, the cold grass, the shadows, the stars and the moon don’t make me as happy as they should.
